You may recall that my husband is a stay-at-home dad (Confessions of the Wife of A Stay-At-Home Dad, Or…. Oh Crap, I’m a Chauvinist!)
This is a text exchange we had Tuesday.
12:13pm BRAD: OMGILOVECOFFEE
12:15pm BRAD: Seriously why the hell don’t i drink this every day?
1:52pm ME: wtf?
1:55pm BRAD: 6 cups. Cleaned the kitchen living room and small bathroom.
1:55 pm ME: I will buy u all the coffee you ever want.
…..
…..
…..
3:37pm BRAD: coffee sucks.
Terry Pratchett once wrote, “Freedom is not pretty.”
He probably wasn’t the first one to say it, either. He’s right, though – freedom is not pretty at all. It’s ugly, chaotic, tumultuous, and allows the worst of people to be on the exact same level as the best of them. Oh, and it allows many different opinions and lifestyles to coexist, no matter how uncomfortable or disgusted they make other people.
Free is not the ideal state of existence for anyone who wants everyone else to think and act just like them.
The potential ugliness of freedom is most visible when freedom of speech is exercised. Maybe because that’s the freedom we are most likely to run up against in our every day lives, or because words have such an emotional impact on us, our true dedication to the principles of freedom are tested when others say things we don’t want to hear.
The internet has, I think, increased our exposure to ugly ideas, thoughts, sentiments, and words. Sometimes, honestly now, we seek them out as a way to confirm our own ugly thoughts. Sometimes we stumble across them – words that stun, shock, or really, really hurt.
The comments sections of news sites and blogs are prime examples. I know of a paper (not the first one, either) that has recently disabled its comments section temporarily. I really can commiserate, considering the types of comments to which its readers were regularly subjected.
For a newspaper, staunch protectors of our First Amendment rights, to close off a communication channel – well, you know things had to be bad. And they really were. I don’t understand how people can be so hateful to people they don’t even know. I mean, I could be pretty mean in my younger days, but at least I was mean to people based on their individual merits!
Just a couple of examples of things I read over the past year, starting with the mild:
However, I realize that many of the things I have to say are probably offensive or at least disturbing to many people. I believe that I say my piece with decorum, logic, and respect, but there’s no accounting for taste (as Granny says). And I don’t want to be silenced because others misinterpret or just plain don’t like what I have to say.
So, where’s the line? I really don’t know. I’ve been thinking about this, and all I can come up with are relevant points – but no ultimate conclusion yet. Here’s what I’ve got so far, though:
I just finished celebrating freedom of speech during Banned Books Week, even in my last two blog posts, so I find it pretty crazy that I am having to actually think about my stance on this issue.
Then again, as I found when reading through the banned book list, I do firmly believe that no one should be forced to read anything. Or that children should have easy access to sexual material. So I do have limits, distant as they are. Who am I to judge that anyone else’s limits are less reasonable than mine?
One issue I see with news site and blog comments that may contribute to the uglier use of our beautiful freedoms is the anonymity. I personally allow anonymous comments on my blog, and I have had no trouble so far. Of course, I seldom write about individuals, so the potential for damaging another is minimal. I have thick skin.
(Which is why I interrupt my flow here to state that I really, truly want to know your thoughts on this topic. I’m sure I’ve missed a lot of good arguments, and I really don’t know my own mind here. Use a false name if you want.)
For a newspaper or news site, however, anonymity may provide too much license for juvenile behavior. If people had to actually sign up to comment, giving a full name and verified e-mail address (at a minimum) and creating an account that could be disabled, perhaps their behavior would be more checked. Plenty of other websites do that, and it means you have to really be interested in order to participate. Plus, you have to be honest about who you are.
It wouldn’t completely stop anything, and my opinion of what is acceptable is not the same as another’s is. Still, too many people will do in the dark what they are not willing to do in the light. If people have to stand in the sun and accept responsibility for what they say and do, perhaps they will act more responsibly.
And if someone takes offense, tracks the commenter down, and beats him up on his own front porch, well, that was the chance the commenter took when he dared say something so stupid.
After all, the ultimate freedom is the freedom to accept the consequences of our own actions.
Okay, let me start out by sharing a bit of my post over on the Rocky Mount Telegram’s Charm Chicks blog, where I am so graciously welcomed as a guest blogger. You can read the full post (and some other great stuff) over there at http://www.rockymounttelegram.com/blogs/content/shared-gen/blogs/communities/rmtchicks/index.html ….
“I am always shocked to hear about an attempt to ban a book. It seems so….1940s-ish. After all, some of our greatest pieces of literature are full of the most common reasons for banning – sex, profanity, and racism, according to the ALA – yet are also the most life-changing, even society-changing, catalysts our nation has ever had. They expose real life and true conflict, and they give us empathy, understanding, and most of all, something to rise above.
“Maybe that’s the problem. As humans, we are uncomfortable with ideas that conflict with our own, and we’d rather stay in a safe cocoon than allow other realities to intrude. And we really hope that no one else will subscribe to those other realities, because that would challenge our sense that we are right. It takes a very secure, very faithful person to not be threatened or scared by the differences of others.
“I imagine book bannings happening in places like China, Iran, Afghanistan and the former U.S.S.R. Places where the government tries to keep such a tight hold on its people’s minds that it cannot allow even a peek of dissent to exist. Where the people themselves sometimes take the mantle of un-change upon themselves. Some of the most stunning books I’ve ever read have been born out of the repression of these places.
“Luckily, we live in America, where dissent and being different is embedded in our very being. Without the courage to think new ideas, try new methods, and allow different opinions and ways of life, our nation would never even have existed. After all, as Dwight Eisenhower once said, “”…We are descended in spirit from revolutionaries and rebels — men and women who dare to dissent from accepted doctrine.” “
So, here’s what I’m reading this year, as recommended by friends and found in the ALA’s BOOKS CHALLENGED AND BANNED in 2008-2009.
Read. Speak. Know.
Banned Books Week 2009 started on September 26 and runs through October 3. Whoo-hooo! One of my favorite times of year!
I love reading the American Library Association’s list of Books Challenged & Banned in the last year. I make my “to read” list off of it.
My high school English teachers weren’t stupid – they knew exactly how to get a kid like me to read. All they had to say to get me diving in was, “This book has been banned in other schools.” Or “You must get your parents’ permission before reading this.”
Or “We will only be reading this in class, because you are not allowed to read Chapters 2, 4, 5, 7, 15, or 20,” which was, in fact, the only reason I ever read all of Grendel (which made this year’s Challenge list, by the way).
(Maybe if Mrs. E had told me that Lorna Doone was ever banned, I wouldn’t have caught those pages on fire in class in 7th grade. I still feel bad about that, but at least I do remember one line from the book – something like “Constant dripping will wear away the strongest stone.” Wish she’d remembered that line, too, and had a little sympathy LOL)
So…after going through this year’s list, I’ve made a list of challenged or banned books I have already read. Here they are…..
Already Read
Later this week, I’ll post on those I plan to read in the next year, along with an argument that banning books is un-American, leftist propaganda.
I love our accents. I think eastern North Carolina has some of the best dialects in our nation. We’re not too syrupy, not too thick, not too aggressive, not too slow. We mix it all up, too – in just one county you can hear multiple ways of talking, and some people using two or three accents all at once.
Some people refer to our dialect as “hick.” I don’t think that’s a good way to describe it (I’ve lived in the western part of the state after all, and I know what hick sounds like…), but I’ll roll with that if it works for those who don’t know no better.
If ya won’t born to it, ya cain’t duplicate it.
Me, I tend to do a lot of what’s called “code-switching” or “style-shifting.“ (See how much you can learn on wikipedia?) For instance, I can talk like I (normally) type – formally and with proper rules of English. I am, after all, an annoying grammar freak, the kind of person who will correct bad grammer with a black magic marker on the signs at Target. But at home and around friends or family members I relax, and the mix of dialects -older SAE, newer SAE, coastal southern, AAVE, and God knows what else – I’ve been surrounded by my whole life come out. After all, I grew up on a farm near an itty-bitty little hick town, and my way of talking was extremely different from that of people the same age living only 10 miles away from me.
Sometimes there’s just no better way to say something than to fall back on the expressions my grandparents taught me. For instance, I can say deadpan it and say – “Dude. You’re an idiot.” Or I can twist my mouth a bit, half-smile at you, and suddenly drop this drawl on you: “I knowed you for a fool soon as I seen you.”
Our accents are the best for humor, too, especially when using style-shifting to emphasize the punch-line. Which brings me to my whole point on writing this post – an exchange this morning on my new favorite radio morning show on Jammin 99.3 (Rocky Mount-Wilson).
Megan Hinkle gave a shout-out to Landon, who was on his way to school at Coopers Elementary. She was having trouble pronouning “Coopers” the way we do around my native part of Nash County. Here’s my attempt to mimic the sound and spirit of the discussion.
Megan: Coopers. I mean, “khuppers.” No….
DP: Here’s what I was told – say it like “hookers.” “Coopers” rhymes with “hookers.” That’s how they say it around Nashville, anyway. I’m not sure how they say it in Kinley, though.
Dale: [this is his intro, in a strong exagerrated accent, high exuberence] Oh, we say ho!
Gosh, you shoulda heard it! I like to died. The pure unexpectedness of it cracked me up. What a punchline, made great by the whole method of delivery.
Some people on the show don’t have strong accents at all, while others have very strong ones, which is what caught my attention when I was surfing through the stations last week. I thought to myself, because I am as prone to stereotyping as anyone else, despite my disgust of being stereotyped, “Oh Lord, what kind of ridiculous, silly, pig-headed ideas are these people dispersing?”
Aw, man, I was wrong! Here’s the great thing about the show – every dang host, co-host, and visitor is intelligent. And thoughtful. And thought-provoking. And silly, fun, and humorous, too – all of the characteristics of a really fun, really strong morning show.
When I was getting out of the car this morning, Megan and DP were debating whether you could find someone guilty of 1st degree murder if he or she was drunk at the time. Damn good debate, and I look forward to continuing it with my own friends later this weekend.
Every morning (as far as I can tell) they discuss the headlines of the local papers. The Wilson Times editor (I hope I have the right title there) shares news; I think I heard someone from The Nashville Graphic on this week, too. The hosts share info from The Rocky Mount Telegram as well, which led to the afore-mentioned debate this morning.
Last week, I heard a lecture on how forwarding emails with incomplete, inaccurate, or sensationalist information is exactly the same as gossiping. What are you trying to accomplish? Are you trying to create fear? Cause drama? Cause a false separation among segments of society?
[THANK YOU 99.3 FOR SHARING THAT WISDOM! It's so true, and so needs to be heard.]
In just a week, with only about 20 minutes of listen time a day, I’ve heard them discuss economic development (the 2030 plan), local issues as well as national politics, ACORN, twitter…all important to the communities they serve. And they sound like me while they’re doing it.
Hey Jammin – y’all’r doin’ a right good job over yonder.
Stay real.
Okay, I would have posted this earlier, but I was afraid to give away the master plan before the first step was successful…
Some of you may know that I dabbled a bit in anarchy in (my first attempt at) college. And I’ve always had a bit of a fascination for revolutions and revolutionaries. I dropped that, however, when I had kids and realized I couldn’t support them very well outside of the capitalist system.
So I am totally amazed at how well the anti-establishment, far-leaning liberals accused of working to destroy our fair country have done their work.They’ve turned conservatives into anarchists.
HaHaHAHAHAHA! HAHA HAAAA! ( <—– That’s an evil genius laugh, by the way. Had I know a decade ago that my anarchist buddies would be so successful, I would have stuck with the winning side. Now I’m a little rusty and have to catch up.)
Here’s the beauty of it…..the ironic twist that is the master stroke of any evil genius’ plan……
The enemy has accepted and is promoting the values it formerly vilified among his own children!!!!
I mean, come on? Keep your kids home from school so they won’t hear a speech by the President of the United States of America - the country you claim to love so much? (Sounds like the love is a little conditional to me….) This from the people who told us after 9/11 that we MUST support the President no matter what and ASK NO QUESTIONS. From people who said, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us” ?
My, my, my how things change! Any day now, I’m expecting the leaders of the Moral Majority to show up for a reunion and burn American flags on the White House lawn. I can hear it now….. “But it’s okay if we do it. We’re the good guys!”
Now, I’m pretty out there sometimes, but I never banned my child from listening to our former President Bush, and I was pretty convinced that he was evil incarnate (not Laura, though – I love Miss Laura, and you can tell her I said so). I mean, the guy was the President, regardless of what I thought of him, and deserved at least an outward show of respect in front of others, because he represented us as a whole. Besides, I was raised with manners, which means I can disagree with someone without dehumanizing him.
But HAD Bush ever given a school speech, and HAD I ever refused to let my child go watch it, no one would have been surprised. Nope, my conservative friends would have shaken their heads and talked crap. They’d have said, “Crazy tree-hugger.” Or “Sinner!”
Or “I can’t believe she is teaching her children to be disrespectful of our government! Can’t she go to Guantanamo for that? Isn’t that illegal because of the Patriot Act? Tap her phone line! It’ s downright unpatriotic! She must be a secret Muslim spy. When her children grow up to be criminals, I won’t be a bit surprised!”
Now, protests have their place. For instance, if Obama was promoting murder, segregation, world domination, nuclear war, rape, or the dissolution of the middle class, I’d be out there waving a sign tomorrow. But I’m really not going to have a fit if he wants to tell my son to stay in school. And I love the idea of kids writing about how they can help the government – that’s civic responsibility right there! It used to be that we wanted our children to learn that!
I heard someone say that politics don’t belong in school. That’s about the dumbest thing I’ve heard this year. Where else does it belong, but in the place that indoctrinates us into loving our country, teaching us the great history of our great land?
Mark my words, these parents are going to be shocked one day when they tell their child, “No, you can’t watch that movie.” Here’s the breakdown:
Teenager: Oh yes, I can!
Parent: I will stop you!
Teenager: You and what army?
Parent: I am the authority here!
Teenager: (adjusting his cross and crown t-shirt) Forget authority! There is no authority! I can choose not to listen to you! I didn’t elect you!
Teenage angst – how sweet the sound!
Now, don’t misunderstand me …. I think it is pretty awesome that parents are staging protests using the minds and bodies of their vulnerable and impressionable children. After all, it worked for the communists and the socialists.
But I can’t help but think of what my Granny taught me whenever she’d catch me dissing people for doing things I didn’t agree with or understand – THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I.
So, by all means, please use the very tactics that you once ostracized and derided other people for using, against the same authority office that you once revered and were willing to taunt, maim, kill, or torture for in order to protect it.
TREE-HUGGERS UNDERMINE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT BY INCITING FUNDAMENTALISTS TO TEACH CHILDREN DERISION OF ELECTED AUTHORITY!
Now that’s a conspiracy theory I would never have believed if I hadn’t seen it…..
This is not a blog for or against public health care. Frankly, I don’t understand enough about health care to make a decision about what kind of system we should have, and definitely not enough to go out picketing and screaming at people and accusing them of being socialists, grandma-killers, or cold-hearted greedy bastards. I vote for people who I hope will take the time to listen to the experts and really understand what they are voting on, so I don’t have to.
(Actually I do know enough to not scream about socialism, since I had to do quite a study of socialist political systems pursuing my International Studies degree and I can tell you resoundingly that we are not close to socialism right now, but that’s another full-length book entirely….)
This is about my health care, and my family’s lack therof.
Here’s my shameful confession: I have health insurance. My children and my husband do not.
Why not? Because my employer pays 100 percent for my insurance, but none for family members. To insure my family through my employer would cost me $260 a month PER KID (2) and $550 a month for my husband.
$1070 A MONTH. And my income is too high for my children to receive Medicaid or SCHIP (State Children’s Health Insurance Program). Sometimes I wonder why I bother to strive to make a decent income, when I end up with less money to spend than I would have if I made less than $30,000 a year.
Kid #3 is on the way; she will be carried on my insurance for the first year. Of course, my last child was on my insurance, but the pediatrician’s office who saw him in the hospital screwed up the billing and we didn’t catch it until after the deadline for filing had passed and my insurance refused to pay it. So now I owe them $650 dollars, after paying $260 a month for insurance to cover the costs that ended up not being covered anyway.
(Sometimes I wonder if health providers have trouble collecting money from patients, not because patients don’t want to pay, but because their billing methods suck so bad that us patients can’t figure out what the f— is going on. My dentist charges me at the office, then sends me a bill, then sends me a refund, then bills me for the refund back. My old ob-gyn installed a new accounting system and keeps billing me for things I paid three years ago, and another organization never knows if I’ve paid or not. And, really, once the pediatrician’s billing office got a message from me that they had misspelled my child’s name, please correct it and refile….why didn’t they think “Refile? We have her down as self-pay. Call the hospital and doublecheck to see if she filed insurance. Or at least CALL HER AND ASK!”)
I was once very impressed because my part-time job at Target offered insurance partly covered by the company. I was impressed right up until I took my son in for a well-child checkup and shots, gave them my insurance information, went back and saw the doctor, came to check out and got hit by a $238 bill. Turned out my insurance didn’t cover the appointment because IT WAS NOT REQUIRED BY LAW IN NORTH CAROLINA, and no one bothered to tell me until I checked out, at which point I did not have the option to reschedule. So I had to write them a check, then rush to the bank and put a stop on the check I had written for my electric bill. Why, oh why, was I paying for the damn insurance?
And no, before you ask – the book explaining the benefits did not mention the exception, apparently because it was state-specific but the book was for customers nation-wide.
(Same pediatrician’s office as in above paragraph, by the way. Wonder why I switched to Eastern North Carolina Medical Group, the Nashville office? Now you know. I’ve never had a billing problem at Eastern NC, even though I pay out of pocket, and they even KNOW MY CHILDREN’S NAMES when I see them in the grocery store.)
Speaking of money thrown away, give me a second to talk about private health insurance. We used to carry a BlueCross BlueShield policy, but I was paying about $300 a month and still had to meet a yearly deductible of a couple of thousand dollars, not to mention the co-pays and coinsurance. Do the math – we never used the health care enough to meet the deductible so that insurance actually started paying! I was paying $300 a month to be allowed to pay $1000 for care, and almost praying that something bad enough would happen to make it worth it.
While on this insurance, flu went through our household. We hadn’t met the deductible yet (by the way, I didn’t realize when I bought the insurance that I had to actually pay $2500 before the insurance company paid anything at all. Company provided health insurance didn’t work that way.) so we paid for the doctor’s visits. Then the medicine came to $115 EACH!!!! We couldn’t afford it all, so we bought the doses for the kids and my husband just suffered.
Of course, my oldest son did break his arm last year. That was just before the private policy started, because my husband lost his job and the new insurance hadn’t started yet. Because my son broke his arm at daycare, though, the school’s insurance covered it and I paid the rest out of pocket. I still came out cheaper than I would have paying for useless insurance every month.
Last time I applied for private insurance, my youngest son was turned down. Because he’d had more than 3 ear infections in the previous 12 months. He was 18 months old. In daycare. WTC?
And I know that I will never get privately insured again, if my employer stops paying. For the first time I have gestational diabetes, which puts me at higher risk for Type II diabetes when I reach my 40s. My soon-to-be-born daughter will be at a higher risk as well. Do you think an insurance company is going to touch us with a 10 foot pole? Or keep us if we do get diagnosed?
After hearing the testimony of insurance company executives about how they must be allowed to drop high-risk individuals if they get diagnosed with a costly disease (like breast cancer, for example), I seriously doubt it.
So here’s what we do. Kids are not negotiable – they go to the doctor ASAP. We pay out of pocket, but my doctor is amazing and the prices are very reasonable. Medication is generic, or we use samples when available.
Adults – well, adults deal. Unless one of us is obviously dying (or pregnant, which feels like it sometimes), doctors are off-limits. If you ain’t dead in 7 days, you don’t need no doctor.
And here’s the math. Last year, according to the receipts I gathered for my taxes, I paid just over $5,000 in medical expenses. That included the expenses left over after the school insurance ran out on the kid’s broken arm.
Okay, if I’d had insurance through work, I would have paid $1070 x 12 for premiums. $12,840. Before the $15 copay per visit and the $2o to $40 prescription co-pay. So I actually saved over $7,000 by NOT having health insurance.
If I’d had the private health insurance, I would have paid $300 x 12 PLUS $2500. $6100 BEFORE THE INSURANCE STARTED PICKING UP THE TAB. After the insurance I still would have paid $25 co-pay per visit and $10 to $50 per prescription. So I saved AT LEAST $1100 by NOT having health insurance.
The way I see it, saving that money instead of paying a premium every month keeps my assets fluid, so I can afford to pay for care when I need it.
It’s funny that I was always taught that gambling is immoral, but am considered irresponsible for not having health insurance. As far as I can tell, health insurance as it currently stands is nothing but roulette. I’m betting that I will get sick enough to justify the cost, and the insurance company is gambling that I won’t get sick and they can keep my money. Of course, they have the house advantage, because they can kick me out of the casino if I start winning (getting sick, in other words – sick, ain’t it?).
So that’s our strategy. As long as we don’t get REALLY sick, we’re winning on this hand. And if employers continue to cut costs by cutting insurance (which I honestly understand – I’d be better off with the money in my paycheck than in the insurer’s), more and more families will follow the same one.
Luckily, I’m only 31 and my husband is 28. When we get old, I guess we’ll just find a Dr. Kervorkian. I don’t want the strain on my wallet, or on my descendents.
Turns out it isn’t death panels that we should be watching out for….
BlogSurfer.us: Blog Surfing at its Best
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I had a beautiful experience just a couple of years ago, thanks to Meredith College. My Arabic language class was invited to iftar (the post-fast meal) with a mosque in Raleigh during Ramadan.
I can’t express enough how appreciative I still am that the congregation members (is that the correct term?) were so gracious and friendly to us. Only about six of us were taking the class, so we were a small group huddling into the Islamic Center’s gym, where members had gathered to worship and enjoy fellowship.
Everyone was so nice. There was a bit of language barrier, since as students we weren’t incredibly proficient with the Arabic language, but our attempts to speak Arabic were met with enthusiasm and patience. The women were especially friendly, smiling and guiding us to seats and making us feel at home.
At sunset, we ate dates. I have loved them ever since.
The food was delicious, and we were encouraged to eat more and more. I felt like I was at my grandmother’s house for Sunday dinner (which is lunch in other parts of the country, by the way). I was delighted with the flavors and textures that crossed my tongue, and our hosts were even more delighted with our enjoyment. That is true hospitality.
We were even allowed to observe the prayers. Once again I have to use the word beautiful, overused though it is in this post. The recitation of the Quran combined with the movements and genuflections was almost surreal, and the intensity and devotion of the people was palpable in the room.
I thank our instructor, Dr. Nasser Isleem, and the Islamic Center for sharing this time with us in 2006 and for opening their culture and religious practices up to outside observers. Being watched, especially by people who have very little understanding of what is happening, is not fun for me, and I imagine that it could have been distracting for those who were focused on inner reflection and worship. I sensed no resentment of our presence, however, and instead felt enveloped by joy and acceptance.
There was no attempt to pry into our own beliefs, nor to convert us to the Islamic faith. There was only a genuine desire to share an experience and a sense of peace. And so I say thanks for the experience.
“Atyab at-tihani bi-munasabat hulul shahru Ramadan al-Mubarak” (The most precious congratulations on the occasion of the coming of Ramadan)
For stunning pictures around Ramadan, visit http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/08/ramadan_2009.html .
